Dismal
by Haruka-Chan 212
Summary: Haruka has a secret that she hides from her friends and adoptive parents. But it leaks, as do her feelings for Michiru, Please R
1. Chapter 1

I'm back, to say the least. Lots of things have been going on. I'm changing my style of writing to first person, I feel as though I write better that way, I can put myself in my character's shoes. Etc. Etc.

Ok, I'm not going to apologize for any unfinished stories, I plan on starting anew...I know I've said that before. But I think I'll be able to finish this one. I'm already on chapter 3, and I don't know how long it's going to end up being. I hope you all enjoy it.

_--Jen_

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**Dismal**

**Chapter 1**

The blood ran down my arms, it was something I'd become quite accustomed to. It had become an everyday ritual for me now. To take a blade to my skin. My arms were covered now with scars and scabs of fresh wounds. I no longer feel anything.

'Why do you always do this?' I thought as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I'd just gotten my hair cut, it was short now, as I'd always liked to keep it. My eyes moved down, along the wrinkles on my forehead to my left eye, where there was a scar. It started above my eyebrow, and went down to the middle of my cheek. It has been fading over the years, but I don't think it'll ever go away. I closed my eyes as it all came back to me, yet again…

"_Get in here Haruka!" I remember my father yelling for me. I was seven and I'd just cut my hair for the first time. You see, I may still have been young, but even then I knew that I wasn't a normal girl. I was stronger then almost all the boys, I could definitely run faster then they could. So why not look like one of them too?_

"_Your mother here tells me…" he stopped when I came into the living room, my hair was shaved in the back, I'd used his razor, on the top, it was choppy and uneven, done with a dull pair of scissors. I saw my dad's face go from angry, to pissed. The blood rushed to his face, making it red, beyond red. I'd never seen him get so mad before. "For fuck's sake, you're not a fucking boy Haruka!"_

_He grabbed my collar and, before I had a chance to pull away, rammed my head into the door frame. I don't remember much after the second impact. I do remember waking in the hospital, and only seeing out of one eye, on the side that wasn't hit against the wall. I was so scared, there were people around me, all wearing white, and strange machines beeping at different rates. It was so terrifying for me._

My eyes opened, they were red, but no tears had left them. I no longer feel. Everything that my group of friends sees is a mask I've been putting on for years.

I think it all started when I was placed into my sixth foster home. You see, all the other five wanted a little girl, yes, but not a little girl who thought and acted as though she were a little boy.

I got lucky, it's been nearly ten years, I'm still in the same home, number six. They're a nice couple. Naomi Kimura and her American wife Alyson Taylor. Yes, wife, I'm lucky enough to have lesbian parents. Naomi wouldn't let me go when we all met. She'd always told me that I reminded her a lot of herself when she was my age. They've been so amazing to me. But there are just many things I have to deal with on my own. My past, I wish I could face it head on.

They showed me what it was like to be loved by parents. My original parents weren't always nice to me. The door frame wasn't the first incident of injury. Just the first one I'd been forced to be hospitalized with.

_They'd been fighting all day. Why won't they stop? Everything they're saying is about me. I can't stand it anymore. I finally screamed. It turned out to be a huge mistake. Before I'd done that, they'd apparently forgotten I was still in the room. They both looked at me, my mom approached me. My hands raised to try and protect my face, but it didn't work, she overpowered me and exposed my 4 year old face to her hard hand. I had a bruise on my jaw for two weeks. I remember having to lie in school, that I fell off the slide at my house, which I know I've done many times before, but it never left a bruise like that._

"Haruka, can I come in?" Michiru was at my bedroom door. It was always common for her to come over this time of day. My parents thought we were dating for the longest time. Oh, how wrong could they be. I mean, I barely know anything about Michiru. It would never work.

"Hold on." I said as I pressed a hand cloth to my bleeding wrist.

Besides, there's just no way anybody like her would love anybody like me. Not to mention the fact that I'm a woman. She's one of the only people at school that knows who I am.

"Ruka…?"I heard her try the door again. My heart leapt forward, in a vain attempt to escape my chest.

'Oh forget it.' I pulled my sleeve over the still bleeding wound. I threw the cloth down and kicked it under my bed. My hands shook as I pushed everything else back into my dresser drawer. "I'm coming Michi. I was getting dressed." I unbuttoned the top few buttons of my shirt, to only add to my ploy. As I opened my door, my hands worked at those few loose buttons.

"Well it's about…time." she flustered slightly as she looked at my bare chest. I don't think I've ever seen that look before. I wish I knew what it meant. "I swear, you're as bad as a woman when you get ready to go out." she laughed, as did I. Though it was a fake, forced one. "Are you ready to go?" she watched me, I could feel her eyes on my back as I turned away to check my wrist. The bleeding had stopped, finally. "Ruka? You OK?" I jumped when her hand touched my shoulder. It was a natural reaction for me to jerk away whenever someone got that close. I can blame my original parents for that.

A faint 'yeah' left my lips. "I'm ready when you are." I smiled at her. For some reason it was a real smile for her. I've tried with my other friends, but I could never do it. It's almost like it hurts too much. I hated it all. Not them, but myself for being so quiet and solitary about everything. I've even tried to tell Michiru before. I told her that there's something I've been hiding from them, but I clammed up. I just couldn't tell her 'Michi, I hate myself' or 'Michi, every time I'm alone, I cut myself.'

I followed Michiru out to her car. Normally I drove us everywhere, but my car has had engine problems that I haven't been able to fix on my own. I hate when I can't do something on my own. I feel helpless. I hate relying on other people, I don't need them, I never have.

"What's on your mind Ruka?" she looked at me, her eyes concerned. Maybe she really did care. It's seemed, ever since I let her know I had a secret, she's been looking at me differently. It was very much like the way Naomi and Alyson looked at me when they heart my story. You see, nobody knows what else has happened to me. They only know about my scar and how I live, not everything else. I could never put that on them, they wouldn't know what to do. Hell, I don't even know what I'm to do.

"Ruka?" she sighed, this happened a lot. Me getting lost in my own thoughts. I just looked at her and told her I was fine. I wish I didn't have to, but I did. It's the one lie I just had to tell. One I always had to tell.


	2. Chapter 2

Yes, look it's chapter 2 :P and I was being doubted on finishing this story, shame on you all hehe. Enjoy

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**Dismal**

**Chapter 2**

She stopped at the park. If I remember correctly, it's our groups' picnic day. Makoto always did all the cooking, she said she didn't mind. I hated it though. Not her cooking, hell no, that was incredible, but I feel like I'm using her. Not only me, but we all are. She brings all the food, even the drinks. I've offered to help, but for some reason she refuses.

Perhaps it's not just Mako that has my mind working, she's a sweet girl, she really is. They're all sweet, Michiru, Ami, Makoto, and Rei. I'm the oldest, and part of my hates that. Hell, I'm already 18, Michi is still 17. Makoto, Ami and Rei are all still 15. They're still just babies. They don't know anything about life and how cruel it truly is.

"Looks like we're the first ones here. Do you want to talk about anything?" Michiru sat at the picnic table and looked at me. My eyes were blank as I looked back at her. I didn't feel as though I had to tell her anything. I let out a soft sigh and just looked away, my eyes finding a young child to watch.

He looked to be about five, maybe six, not much older then that. He was so care free and happy. Something that I was never allowed to be at his age. That's when his dad came running up behind him. He looked as though he would hurt the child, my eyes were seeing what my mind was remembering. I reached my hand toward him, my mouth letting out a faint 'no.' Michiru was watching me. I knew she was. Yet, I didn't care.

But my eyes were wrong, he appeared to be a caring, playful father. He only picked the boy up in his arms and tickled him. I could now hear the child's laughter and screams for freedom. I was never that lucky...

_I was running around my backyard, playing with the puppy we had at the time. I never noticed my father standing at the door. Rex, our puppy, jumped up on me. His large frame knocked me to the hard ground. I remember the tears that came to my eyes. My elbow was throbbing, it had been cut open. I could feel the warm, red liquid running down my arm._

_My dad came out of the house, but not to make sure that I was alright. No, that would have never happened. "How many times have you been told not to chase him around! Now you've gone and gotten yourself hurt. How dumb are you anyway?" I just bit my lip, his words were nothing new to me. I knew if I cried, he would only yell more and tell me crying would get me nowhere._

He was right, what's the point of crying. Tears are a sign of weakness. I'm not weak. I never have been. And never will be. I turned back to look at Michiru, she had been watching me, just as I thought she would. "I'm fine." I spoke before she could ask me first.

I sat down, across from her and rested my hands on the table between us. My eyes met hers, but only briefly before I looked away. I had to force myself to look away. She was so beautiful. No... I can't think that way. Yet I am. My mind, even though I'm not looking at her, has a perfect image of her still in front of me. Her wavy hair, the way it frames her face. Her bright blue eyes, god, I could stare at those eyes for hours. Her lips had a delicate, yet soothing smile, one I'd always been able to trust. The shape of her body was absolutely marvelous. Her shirt fit her in all the right places, hugging just enough to define her curves. Her skirt matched her blouse, as it always did. It wasn't too long, yet definitely wasn't too short. She would never wear anything too short, that just wasn't her.

I shook my head, trying to shake the image of her. It only scrambled for a moment, then returned, even more clearly then before. God help me. I can't fall in love with my best friend.

"Lost in thoughts again Ruka? That pretty little head of yours must hold so many secrets. You do realize that you can't hide everything forever. Eventually you'll just fall apart at the seams." Michiru's voice was soft and soothing, it was one she'd always used when she knew I was in one of my moods.

There was some logic to what she said. Yet I didn't want to read that far into it. Yes, what she said was true, that I would fall apart at the seams. Only she doesn't know, I already have been falling apart. I have been for years. This is just something I think I need help with. No, no I don't need help. I haven't in the past, why would things change now.

"Ruka! You're bleeding!" I jumped up. My eyes going right to my, now bloody, sleeve. 'Shit." I cursed myself as I tried to hide it. I didn't even know who said it. I did notice my other friends near the picnic table, maybe it was one of them that spotted it. I don't know, but what I do know is that I messed up big time now. I should have put a bandage on my wound. It must have busted open when I reached for the kid.

My heart started racing. The pounding echoed in my ears as I looked around at their worried faces. They were all speaking to me, I could see their lips moving, but my ears were numb to their voices. All I could hear was the pounding of my heart.

I quickly excused myself and ran up to the bathroom by the lake. I had to hide. But Michiru followed me, and I couldn't stop her from it.

I ran into a stall and slammed the door shut. I hear the door open only a minute later, it was her. I just know it was her. "Michi, leave me alone. I don't want you around. I don't need help!"

The other person didn't respond. Perhaps it wasn't Michiru who had come in. I sighed softly and unrolled some toilet paper and pressed it to my wound. 'They know now, you dumb ass, How could you let them find out? Why didn't you just wrap it up? No! You had to assume things would be fine. Dammit Haruka!'

Finally, after it stopped, I opened up the stall door and moved toward the sink. I ignored the mirror, I couldn't look at my face right now. I didn't notice someone in the stall next to mine. The door was open, she'd been watching me the whole time. I'd just wanted to be alone, but nobody else seemed to respect that.

I needed to wash my arm. I rolled up my sleeve, I couldn't even look at the wounds on my arm, I already knew which one had been bleeding and where it was. My other hand reached up to the silver hand to turn on the cold water. I wasn't much of a warm water person, never have been. That's when I heard a soft gasp. Then, barely a moment later, I felt a pair of arms snake around my waist, tightly, as if they never wanted to let go. "Michi… please stop."

"No. I'm tired of stopping and pretending every thing's alright. Especially when there's a lot wrong." She let go of my waist and stepped up next to me. Her fingers grazed over my wounds, but she never looked at them, she already knew they were there, she didn't need a reinforcement. Her eyes looked right into mine, I found I couldn't look away this time. I couldn't hide my pain from her, because she knew it was there. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm tired of avoiding it Ruka. I just want you to talk to me. I told the others you were fine. They don't need to know until you're ready to tell them. I just want you to tell me Ruka." she leaned up and kissed my cheek. My god, she kissed me. It probably doesn't mean anything, but she stilled kissed me. And it felt great.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3, up and ready for your enjoyment. Chapter 4's just about done and I'll be moving right along to chapter 5.

Hope you're enjoying everything so far :) I know I am.

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**Dismal**

**Chapter 3**

My mind was working, again. I hated when it was like this. Going in every possible direction, all the time. I was thinking about my past, about my wounds, about why I hurt myself, about why Michiru kissed me. Why would she kiss me anyway? Nobody would ever want to kiss me. Nobody's ever liked me that way. I'm probably reading too far into the cheek kiss. I mean, it was just a peck, right?

"What was that for?" I reached up and touched my cheek, in the same spot her lips where a moment ago. I could still feel the warmth of her gentle lips, my spine was still shivering. 'Why had she done that. Maybe it's her way of showing how much she cares and worries about me. I just don't know.'

"I felt that I had to. Come on Ruka, lets go for a walk. I think we need to talk about some things." Before I could object, she grabbed my hand in hers and led me out of the bathroom. I could feel eyes on us. Probably wondering why a 'man' was in the woman's restroom. It's something I'm quite used to, but it still remains annoying though. I'm tired of being looked at. I just want to scream, 'I'm a woman you asshole, leave me the hell alone.'

I followed her down the path by the lake. I watched the reflections in the water. I saw Michiru's, it was slightly misshaped, yet she was still beautiful. I'd always thought she was beautiful, ever since I first met her. But I've just never had the courage to tell her. Then I saw mine. For some reason, it looked so right standing next to Michiru's smaller, more feminine body. Now that I focus on it, I do look exactly like a man. I think Michiru thought I was for the longest time, until she accidently walked into my room when I had my shirt half off. It gave her quite the view of my chest and stomach. Oh I remember the look on her face that day, it was priceless...

_I was 15 or so, Michiru and I had just started to become friends. I remember inviting her over to my house one Saturday afternoon. Apparently when she got to the house, my parents told her where my room was. I never remember hearing her knock, nor do I remember telling her to come in. You see, I was in the middle of changing, preparing for her to get there. I had just taken off my button-down shirt, to put on a plain, long sleeved shirt. I had my arms in the shirt when she opened the door, luckily enough I had the bindings on my chest, she saw them. Her face went blank, at first she was scared, afraid that I'd gotten hurt somewhere. When I told her that it wasn't that, she looked at me in the funniest way imaginable. Her eyes squinted some as her nose moved to one side, her lips showed a bit of a smirk before she blurted out 'I KNEW it!'_

I just smiled as I thought about that. Wow, I was smiling. I haven't smiled in a long time. And it only seemed to be because of her. She had become the biggest thing in my life. Even bigger then Naomi and Alyson. I did spend nearly as much time with Michiru as I did with my own parents. I loved her company, I felt like I could trust her, yet part of me couldn't tell her anything about my life. She knew very little about my real parents. She only knew how I got my scar, nothing else.

"What's on your mind." She stopped in front of me and looked into my eyes again.

You just want me to open up to you, to tell you everything don't you. Then you'll just tell me that everything will be alright and that you'll always be there to help. But you'll only go and tell everyone won't you? God, I'm getting mad at her. I can't do that. I could never get mad at Michi, it just wasn't natural. "I can't tell you." I forced myself to turn away. I knew that she could see everything in my eyes. And that's what I wished to hide most. My eyes had always been the only thing on my body to show feeling.

I just grit my teeth when she moved in front of me again. She gripped my wrists this time, to prevent me from looking away again. "I'm tired of this Haruka. I'm tired of always pretending every thing's alright with you. Just tell me everything. Talk to me. I don't want you to do this to yourself anymore. I don't like to see you hurting like this. God just please let me in." She was crying by then. I'd made her cry over this. If I'm making people cry, then maybe I shouldn't do it...right? But I can't stop. I just can't.

"Michi, I just can't..." I looked down again. My voice was almost emotionless when I spoke. "You don't understand. I don't need help Michiru. I don't need you, or anybody. I never have, and I never will."

I didn't like this. More tears left her eyes when I finished talking. And I could hear the panic in her voice when she spoke. Her hands gripped my wrists tighter. I wanted to run, but I didn't want to hurt her either. I would hurt her if I just pulled my arms away and left. "Ruka, please. I want to understand what you're feeling. But I can't unless you talk to me."

My breathing started to pick up. I was losing control again. I could feel it. Michi, just stop now. Oh god just please stop it. I looked down at her. She was still crying and looking at me like a lost puppy. She felt lost, I could tell from her eyes. But trust me Michiru, you're not. "I don't..." I sighed, I didn't even know what to say to her. "I just..." Dammit Haruka just relax. She's your best friend. "Just please stop it." I finally pulled my hands away from her and put them into my pockets, something I'd always done when I felt cornered and nervous. My arms were stiff now, tense even from the pressure I was feeling. "You don't want to know what happened to me." I turned and started walking away. I just wanted to leave it at that. To just let everything drop from there.

"Ruka stop..."

"No Michiru, you stop. I don't have to tell you a damn thing and I surely don't intend to either."

Oh no. What have I done. I just yelled at her is what I've done. But if she had only let it go, it wouldn't have gotten to that. This is the last thing I ever wanted to happen. Her face was full of shock. Her eyes had grown some, they were full of tears as she stared at me. Those tears were ones I'd caused. I caused her to cry like that. Her mouth was slightly agape. It looked as though she was trying to figure out what had just happened. Hell, you're not alone Michi. I found myself looking at her in the same way. I was trying to figure it out too. Why did I do that? Why did I yell at her? Why did I make her cry more? I have to get out of here. I have to go home. I have to be alone. I have to do something other then look at the girl who I love, and just hurt at the same time.

I blocked out her voice as I ran down the path. When I knew I was out of her view I slowed to a walk. I'm lucky that my house wasn't far from the park. I hoped Michiru would go back to the others and have fun. Maybe even make up a lie as to why I wasn't there anymore. Maybe she'd tell them that I wasn't feeling well and she ran me home. No, wait, they all saw my bloody sleeve. My eyes wandered down to that. How could I have been so stupid to begin with. If I'd just been more patient when Michiru came to my house. If I'd just put something on it, hell, if I didn't wear a stupid white shirt I'd be fine too. But I was stupid, I didn't do enough thinking. And now I've got people that know, and could tell someone. I don't need to be locked away. I don't want to die, just hurt myself, to make my other pains go away. And I'll have to hurt myself a lot to make Michiru's crying go away. I can't believe I did that. I didn't want to have ever hurt her. And I did, by my actions, and words.

I didn't even look at my parents when I walked into my house. I heard Naomi say something. I think I did anyway. I didn't look up in acknowledgment. I went right up to my room. I was falling apart, just as Michiru had told me I would. I feel like I could scream. Yet I feel like my throat is dry and my voice is gone. I closed my door and pulled off my shirt. I threw it into my trashcan. I'd deal with it later, I always did deal with bloody clothing later. I had other, more important things on my mind then.

I got into the top drawer of my dresser, I kept all of my blades in there. I had many knives and replacement blades for utility knives. It was sad, how quickly they became dull on my skin. I grabbed a new blade from the pack and sat on the middle of my floor. I felt as though it would be hard for me to stop this time.

I looked up at the ceiling as I made the first cut. I found it nearly impossible to look at my arms for the first cut. I looked back down as the blood came to the surface. It started running down my arm and onto the wood floor. A smile came to my face. I always seemed to smile when I did this. It was my way to release all of my pain. And boy was I full of it this time. I watched the blade rip apart my skin for each new wound. The blood followed trail, as the blade passed over my skin, more and more blood ran down my arm. Soon it was entirely red, I could no longer tell where I'd cut and where I hadn't. My arm had also become numb from the pain. There just wasn't anymore pain to be felt. Oh no. I went to far. I felt my eyes become heavy. Maybe I should have stopped a long time ago. Nobody was around to stop me. Or to help me.

"Ruka. No!" It was Michiru. She must have decided to follow me, to keep me from doing this to myself. I remember my eyes closing, and having no control as I fell to the hardwood floor. I remember the sound of the blade as it made a sort of squish sound as it hit a small puddle of blood on the floor, my wounds continued to bleed out, even as I lost consciousness.


	4. Chapter 4

Please note...This chapter would have been up about 11 PM EST last night..but wouldn't let me upload it :P Enjoy.

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**Dismal**

**Chapter 4**

... Huh... What was that noise? ... Wait ... There it was again. ... What's going on ... I ... what? ... Why won't it stop? ... Please stop. ... It's loud ... It's getting faster ... What is it? ... Someone tell me ... Please ... Am I alone ... Why's...Why's it so dark ... I can't move ... The beeping filled the small room. It wasn't going away, getting louder, or fading. It was beeping at the same rate I felt my heart beating.

"...she be alright doctor?" There were voices in the room. They sounded almost familiar. Michiru? ... It was Michiru ... I think ... It sounded like her ... Where was she? ... I can't see anything ... I want to ... I can't ... My mouth ... it won't move ... No words ... Please help me ... I can't focus ... My body won't work with me. Nothing is working. My eyes, my mouth, my body, nothing, nothing is responding. Why. Why not?

His voice was clear as day. Yet I still only heard part of his sentence. "... a shock-... coma."

Coma? ... He... He just said what I thought he said... He'd just said a coma. I could hear some muffled tears and sobs to my left side. It sounded as if it were Michiru again... Michi... Honey I'm fine... I can...hear you. I can't move, I feel this pressure on my arm, where did it come from? It was where I'd cut myself. Last night I think. How long was I out ... Why won't I wake up? Please help me...

"Ruka? Ruka... Haruka please wake up." I opened my eyes to look up at Michiru. Her hands rested upon my shoulders, she had been shaking them. I quickly sat up, finding I was able to, that I wasn't just hearing things. I looked around the room, it was my room, not the hospital room that I had just seen in my mind. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I was so scared, it was just a dream though. I looked down at the arm that I thought I had cut. There were no new wounds on it. What, that can't be right. I remember feeling the pain, then seeing the blood. "Are you OK Ruka?" Michiru gripped my hands as she looked into my eyes. "You look confused."

I am confused, where are my cuts, where's the blood on the floor, where's Michiru's tears, where's everything I saw the past few hours. "What happened? Are you still mad at me that I yelled at you?" I knew my eyes were full of worry as I looked at her. I actually looked at her. Why. Why did I look at her, I just waited to see the hurt in her face, but it never came. She simply laughed at me and playfully smacked my shoulder.

"Silly Ruka, you never yelled at me. You were playing football with Makoto and you fell. You must not remember because you hit that pretty little head of yours. How are you feeling?"

'Pretty little head' she was doing it again. She had said the same thing in my dream. What does that mean. Is it her way of flirting. Or just leading me on. Dammit, why can't I know what this stuff means. You'd think after spending half my life in front of a television I'd know what signs of flirting were. Maybe it's because I've never been flirted with before. "I hit my head?" I reached up to touch the back of my head. Sure enough there was a rather large bump there.

"Yes silly, you slipped on some mud and hit a rock. I... have a question for you too Haruka." Her tone suddenly got grim and serious. "Nobody else knows, trust me. But, when Naomi brought you up here. I slipped your shirt off of you, to help you cool off." Oh no. I know what's coming. "Haruka, what are these?" she took one of my arms in her hands and traced my scars gently. Out of instinct, I pulled away. She found them, but she didn't say anything to anybody else. If she had, then I wouldn't have woken up in my room, or in my bed. I can trust her. Can't I? I want to desperately, but I just don't know.

"This is what you've been hiding, it's it? Haruka I wish you had told me. I care about you so much and now I have hundreds of reasons to worry." she motioned to my cuts, she was right. There had to have been hundreds of them over the past 3 years. I cut myself every day, or at least every other day. I just can't stop. I want to, but I just can't. I don't feel the wounds anymore. They don't sting at all. I'm cutting on top of scars, basically creating a sort of armor on my arms. I don't know why though.

I looked down. After my dreams, maybe I should tell her. "I..." I shook my head. The words weren't coming to me. I don't think they ever will. "I wish I could just let you tap into my mind." I sighed softly and closed my eyes as I lay back. I opened my eyes again when I felt a weight on the bed next to me. Michiru followed me onto the bed and quietly laid against my body. I don't think she's realizing what this is doing to me. To have her so close to my body. She's so close physically, yet three continents away emotionally and mentally. I wanted to tell her how I felt, I wanted to scream it to the heavens, yet I couldn't. My lips were tied shut in a way. I couldn't find the words to speak to her anymore.

_I remember now the first time I cut myself. I remember the reasoning behind it as well. I was 14 or so, maybe 15, all the years about that age just blurred together. It had apparently leaked out to some students that I was a female, not a man like they'd all originally thought. They all thought it would be funny to play a joke on me. It was a rather cruel joke at that._

_One day while I was waiting for Alyson to pick me up, I remember a group of girls looking at me. It was common though. Girls always looked at me, I didn't mind it much. I'd gotten used to it. But every time I glanced up, they'd look away and start laughing. I didn't think much of it, I simply leaned against the wall as I waited for Alyson. I barely noticed as one of them set their backpack down and walked casually over to me. I looked up when she was basically pressed against my body. I thought she was going to kiss me. So I slowly closed my eyes as I saw her lean closer to me._

_'You're kind of cute.' I remember her telling me as she pressed me to the brick wall. 'Do you want to go out with me sometime?' I opened my eyes to look at her again, I smiled softly, there was a first time for everything, or so I thought. I looked into her eyes and nodded. "I'd like that." I said. It was then when her and her group of friends burst into laughter. 'Not on your life dyke.'_

Dyke. That was the first time I'd ever heard that word. I asked Alyson what it meant when she showed up. Her face went blank and she looked at me. I remember how she explained that it was a bad word for lesbians. And that I was never to use it again. And I haven't, I've never verbally said that word since then. I looked down at Michiru, she was still in my arms. I wanted to roll away, I wanted to run, again. But I can't. I can't run anymore. She knows everything, she'd only track me down and make me talk.

"I don't want to pressure you Ruka. I just don't want to see you do this to yourself anymore." She wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly. I was hurting her. I had always hurt her in one form or another. Or at least I saw it, she may not have. And who knows how many other ways I've hurt her without her telling me about it.

"And I don't want to hurt you anymore Michi. I...I..." Oh god I can't say it. How can I tell a girl who's been my friend for years that I love her. She'll probably laugh at me and run away. But...If I don't tell her now, when will I ever have another chance to tell her. "I...mmph" She put her finger on my lips and simply smiled at me.

Then she spoke. "I know."

"Michi...Where are you going?" I sat up slightly to watch her fading form in my arms. How was that possible. This doesn't make any sense. She knows how I feel now and she's leaving me. No. She can't leave me. Wait. No... She's not leaving me. No, I'm the one leaving her... I don't want to. I'm so sorry Michi. Please don't let me go.

"...Lost a lot ... blood..." There was that man's voice again. I think he's the doctor. He seems to know what he's talking about. Save me ... If you know what you're ... just save me ...

"I don't want her ... go" It sounded as if it were Naomi, or maybe it was Alyson. I don't know, they sounded alike when they spoke softly. I felt like screaming 'mommy' and curling up with them. Yet... I can't move ... They can't touch me ... I can't feel them ... Maybe they were ...

There ... There were those tears again ... Michiru ... She was crying, I knew it was her. I felt something grab my hand. I guess I can feel them. "May not ..." I blocked out the rest of it. I knew what he said before he said it. I really did go too far ... Didn't I ... I'm so sorry ... I want to come back ... Please ... Help me ...


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry about the delay, I spent the weekend in Baltimore at Pride :D It was so much fun. My girlfriend and I went down there for the weekend, it's about an hour and a half from where I live. I felt so at home down there. Knowing that nobody was staring at us when I kissed her. Loved it, it's definitely something I'm going to do next year too, hopefully it won't be so bloody hot it was almost 100 down there. Hated it.

OK, to answer nyc arts question about the "dyke" in the last chapter. I know everybody's different, and, personally, I don't mind referring to myself as a dyke, but not all lesbians like the term. Which is why I made Alyson tell Haruka it was a bad word. Hope that answers you :)

* * *

**Dismal  
****Chapter 5**

May not make it. May not make it. It kept replaying over and over again in my mind. May not make it. I might not wake up. I might not get to see Michiru's smiling face anymore. I might not get to relax in the arms of Naomi after one of our long talks. I might not get to argue with Alyson over how to fix the car. I might not see any of that again. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry.

"Michiru, you've been here all night honey, why don't you go home and rest some." It sounded like Naomi. It was her, I can smell her coffee. It must be morning time then. I feel like I've been awake for days now, but I'm not getting anything done like I should be. I should be up moving, talking, anything but being a vegetable like I am now.

But I still can't move. No new developments, as the doctor had said. I want to jump up and scream that I'm alright. But I can't. I feel so horrible now, to put everybody through this. I wonder what they're thinking at school. 'Hey that strange kid's gone ... Wonder what he did ... Oh well, we won't miss him.' I know nobody will miss me. Well, nobody from that horrid place anyway. I'm a senior now, I'm to be graduating in a few weeks. I've gone to school with the same people now for nearly 10 years, yet Michi's the only one who's ever talked to me. The only one to ever show me what a friend can do. Then she introduced me to the others and they instantly loved me. I got lucky the day I met Michiru. And now, I may never get to see her again. I may never get to tell her how much I love her. It seemed easy in my dream, to just pull her close and whisper it in her ear. But what if she doesn't feel the same. If she laughs at me I don't know what I'd do. I don't think I could handle that rejection from her.

"No, I slept in the chair some. I'm fine Naomi...Thank you." She was exhausted. I could hear it in her voice. I'd always been able to tell when she didn't sleep. Usually it was from the circles around her eyes, but I couldn't look into her eyes, as much as I wanted to. I'd become used to hearing it in her voice as well. "Can I have some time alone with her." I felt a hand on mine, it had to of been hers. She was the only one close enough to me to grab it. "I just want to talk to her." I wanted to lace my fingers with hers as I'd done so many times before, just playing though. But I couldn't. I tried so hard. But they just wouldn't move for me. I felt paralyzed.

She started crying after Naomi closed the door. It was almost instantly, the door clicked and the tears started. I hated this all. Michiru's been crying, over me, of all people. Why does she care so much? I probably would have ran at the first sight of blades and blood. I wouldn't be spending my life in a hospital room. Unless it was Michiru in my position. Maybe she does think of me the same way I think of her. I need to stop thinking about this so much. I'm sure she's just got nothing better to do.

"Ruka..." She stopped and leaned back in her chair, i could hear her clothes sliding against the vinyl seat covering. She was hesitating. But with what though. "Ruka... I... I need to tell you something. I guess it's now or never huh?" She laced her fingers with mine, then I felt something warm and slightly moist brush against the back of my hand. Lips maybe? "I... Nobody knows...I just hope...god what am I doing." She's starting to sound like me. Searching for the right words, with no hope in sight. "I've wanted to tell you for so long Ruka." She sighed, I heard her. She was about to tell me something big. She always did this when it was really important. "You'd think...I mean...you like this... it would, i guess... maybe be easier...but it's not. I think it's even harder. Not knowing if you can hear me or not. I just wish you could give me a sign. Anything Ruka." I tried to move my fingers, my eyes, my lips, any part of my body to let her know I could hear her. But nothing responded. Nothing at all. I can hear you Michi, trust me I can hear you. "I don't know if you can hear me or not." her voice started to fade, becoming choked with tears. "But I love you Haruka."

I love you too Michi... I love you too. Then it happened, my mouth worked "I...love you..too" My voice sounded like it hadn't been used in years. It needed a good dusting off and some new training. But it had worked. My mouth said something. I forced my eyes open for the first time. I let out a soft groan and closed them, the light had hurt so much. They were so sensitive. I heard Michiru gasp and heard the scuffle of her standing to get closer to me. "I... I heard...everything." I moved my head to the side that she was on and slowly opened my eyes again. It took, what seemed like hours for my eyes to focus on her. She was there, it was her. And she had been crying, just as I'd suspected. She was crying again, yet this time it was tears of joy. She was happy that I was awake.

Everything started becoming a blur again. I do remember Michiru going to the door, she called for a doctor. It was almost as if she screamed. I wanted to laugh at her, but I didn't have the strength. I just simply lay back and closed my eyes. I wanted to go back to sleep. I felt so weak then. Yet it was only a physical weakness. My mind was working a mile a minute. I was still trying to figure things out. Was I really in the hospital. Was I really dreaming? Maybe my cuts were just imagined. Maybe everything was fake. I don't know. It just seems too hectic to be my life. I don't like hectic, never have.

"Ruka, honey you're awake!" Aly came to my side. As did Naomi. I was able to open my eyes just enough to see them both. They looked just as exhausted as Michiru. They'd been here the whole time too.

"I'm sorry." that was all it felt like I knew how to say. "I'm so sorry." I was actually crying, I felt the tear slide down my cheek. I don't cry. I just have never felt the need to. But I knew I messed up big time. I couldn't take back what I'd done. And that kills me. "I don't want to die."

"We know baby." Alyson leaned down and kissed my forehead. She hasn't done that since I was a child, I never realized how much I missed it until she did it. I guess I did, I missed that affection that I got from my parents, but never got from the original ones.

"I never wanted to go this far. I just couldn't stop..." I felt the warm, wet streams run down my cheeks. I hated crying. It showed weakness, or so I had always thought. "Please help me."

Michiru sat by my hips on the bed and looked at me. "Will you promise never to do this again. For me?" she picked up one of my hands in hers and lifted it to her lips. She kissed my hand gently, then looked into my eyes. "I...meant what I said." She leaned down, her body pressed against mine as she whispered the words again into my ear. "I love you. I have for so long, I just never knew how to tell you."

My eyes focused on Michiru. I barely noticed as the others left. Even the doctor left after he checked the machines and looked me over once or twice. "I love you Michi. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm sorry I hurt you to begin with. I just want to go home...and pretend nothing ever happened. But I won't be going-"

Oh god...she kissed me. She must have gotten tired of listening to me talking. Her lips...they felt so good against mine. So right. I returned her kiss, letting her lead it. It remained soft and gentle, sending chills down my spine. It was just as I had imagined it would be like. I just smiled at her when she pulled away. I didn't know what to say to her. She giggled, she was happy. I love seeing her happy. And just think, this time I brought it to her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_(Three Weeks Later)_

I'd finally been released from the hospital. Michiru came to visit me everyday. She even helped me with my school work, just so I wouldn't fall behind. She wanted me to walk across the stage with her at graduation. We've spent so much time together, I know now that my feelings for her are true, they're real, and they're strong. They grow stronger each day I see her, and spend time with her.

"We're going to be up in my room." I carried one of my bags into the house, Michiru had my other one. It felt so good to be home. It looked just as I'd left it, only with a bit more dust where the figurines had been neglected because of my hospital stay. I knew what I had to do. It was almost as if the sounds of my feet on the stairs was replaced with the throbbing of my own heart. I tossed my bag near the closer and put my arms around Michiru's waist, to try to distract my mind. "Thank you." I kissed her softly. I'd fallen in love with her, as well as her lips. She knew how to kiss. Or at least knew just how to kiss me. "I love you."

"Oh don't get all sappy." She giggled and playfully slapped my shoulder. I loved it when she did that. Her giggle and smile always made my heart leap. "We have to do something...Where are they?" I knew what she was talking about. I don't think I can look at them without the urge coming back.

"I can't..." I didn't want to break down again. I couldn't look at them again. "I can't look at them." my eyes landed on the floor, then found the blood stain on the wood. They haven't gotten it all out. I can't pull my eyes from it. I can't even look up at Michiru. I could feel her eyes on me, they felt like they were burning through me. I didn't like that feeling.

"Just tell me where they are, I'll get rid of them for you, alright?" Her voice was so gentle. She wanted to help me so much. All I could do was point to the dresser. That's where they were, that's where they always were. I'm sure they were still there, full of blood, as was the rag, full of blood. Full of my blood. If I looked at them, all the memories would come back, then the urge would follow. I haven't had the urge for the past three weeks. But something like that would set it off. I heard her walk across the floor, then I heard the drawer open up, she rustled through some of my clothes before letting out a gasp. She'd found them. "My god Haruka." she said it softly, but it was loud enough for me to hear. I don't know if she wanted me to hear her or not, but I did.

"Don't do that Michiru. I don't want to hear about them." I was rocking on my bed. I only did that once in a blue moon. I was nervous about seeing them, about slipping up and grabbing one and slicing into my arm. I didn't want that anymore, not after what I'd done. I was happy now. See, happy, happy. I tried to force a smile out, but nothing. I mean, I'm happy when I'm near Michiru, but when I'm away from her, I feel lost, alone...even scared. She's my support, she always has been. I don't think she realizes that.

A few minutes later I felt her hands on my shoulders, then one of those hands tipped my chin up. "They're gone. They're all gone now Ruka. No more of that, OK?" She leaned down and kissed me. I guess it was sort of a deal-sealer to me. That sounds horrible, to think that she's only kissing me to seal a deal. But I know it was more then that. "Are you ready for school tomorrow? I'm sure you'll be asked a lot of questions. Maybe there will be an attitude change toward you." She smiled at me. What did she do. Did she do anything? I don't want to go back to school, I'm quite content at staying home for the duration of the school term.

"I guess." It was all I could say. I couldn't tell her I was scared to death. What if she's told the others about what I did to myself. What if she told everybody I was a woman, not a man. "Will you stay with me tonight?" I looked at her, she could tell in my eyes I was scared, she just gave me that all-knowing smile and nodded. She never turned up an invite to stay with me. Alyson always made us brownies and we would always curl up to watch movies until sleep finally won over us…

Morning…It was morning already. I don't want to go to school. Damn, I'm sounding like a school-girl that has a big test today. But I know me faking sick won't get me out of school. I have to go. I've already missed too much time. If I want to graduate, then I have to go.

I remember getting out of Michiru's car, and looking up at the building. It has been 3 weeks now since I've even seen this place. It looked just as I remembered though. I'm sure everything was just the same too. I took a deep breath before walking across the parking lot. There were so many people staring at me. My chest started getting heavy from it, I hated that feeling. I just knew they were all looking at me, trying to figure out why I've been gone so long.

I felt a bit relieved when Michi grabbed my hand. She laced her fingers with mine. I guess in a small attempt to show how close we've gotten. It still felt right, everything she did. Every time she touched me, it sent a chill down my spine. Every smile, every laugh, everything…it was amazing.

She leaned up and kissed my cheek. "You've got all your things, right?" We had stopped outside of my first class. It was my Biology class, one I didn't really mind much, it was easy for me.

"Yes, I've got everything…See you at lunch?" She just smiled, nodded, then turned and walked away. Yea…lunch. I won't see her any for three full hours. That's three hours of being alone, with the people that I've always hated. I remember Michi telling me 'maybe they've changed.' I'm still trying to figure out what she meant. Did she tell them?

I sat in my normal seat, after handing all of my back work to the teacher and watched as the other students started coming into the room. A few of them looked at me in a strange, almost caring way. A look they've never given me before. It made me feel more comfortable then I've ever been before. I bent down to get into my backpack. I didn't even think to look up when I heard the chair slide out next to me. When I sat back up with my books, it was Jared. An American exchange student whose always had a crush on Michiru. He was the regular jock type, he played on the baseball team. A pitcher I believe, he was a good player. All-State back in, Florida, I think he was from. I never much cared for him though.

"I heard about you and Michiru. You're lucky." He looked at me. I tried not to look back, I could never trust his eyes. They reminded me too much of my original father's eyes.

"Thank you." It was all I could say. I didn't know where he was going with what he'd said. I was afraid to find out where he was going. I just wanted him to stop where he did. But he didn't.

He leaned closer to me and looked me right in the eyes. "You need to stay away from her. You freak. Yea…I know why you were gone, so do half the other seniors. I can expose it to the whole school that you're a bleeder. That you find joy in seeing your own blood and hurting others." stop it…Please stop it! I tried to look away from him. "What's wrong you freak. Want to cut yourself again? I have a knife in my backpack. Do you want it." No, god please don't offer that to me. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I clenched my fingers around my uniform jacket and looked down at my book, trying to block out his words. "Michiru will be mine. She needs to be with a real man, not half of one like you. You probably don't even remember what your arms look like, do you."

"No don't!" I tried to stop him as he grabbed my arm and pushed my sleeve up. I was forced to look away as him and some other students looked at my scars. Even the wounds that got me into the hospital had cleared up and scarred over. He was right, I don't know what my arms looked like anymore. They were just ridge-filled, bumpy pieces of skin. I hated what I'd done to myself.

"Jared that's enough. Leave him alone."

Oh thank you Mr. Yamato. I quickly pulled my sleeve down and kept my eyes on the desk. Most of the students sounded concerned as they talked amongst themselves about my wounds. Jared, he's the one who found it hilarious. He was chuckling about it with a few of his friends. I want to go home. I don't want to be here with his kind anymore.

The rest of my biology class went on without any more interruptions. Then I had math, which was actually just down the hall from Michiru's violin class. I love listening to her play her violin. She was so amazing. As I sat in my class, barely listening to the teacher, I tried focusing on Michiru's music, there were some days when I could hear her playing. It always relaxed me.

Most of the students seemed to have changed. Thank god for that. I guess them knowing what I had done helped a lot. They're not as hateful anymore. Except Jared. But I've got Michiru to talk to about that. When the bell rang, I headed down the hall to my locker, to get my books for the second half of my day, as I was walking toward Michiru's locker I saw something. Something I'd hoped I'd never have to see. There was Jared, at Michiru's locker. They looked like they were just talking, so I stopped and watched them. She'd smile and laugh at something he'd say. Wait…That's the same smile she gives me. She looked like she was enjoying his company. Probably more then she ever did mine. What…No…He leaned down and kissed her. I looked away quickly. She was kissing him. Why is this happening to me. No, not again. I heard my books hit the ground with a loud thud, then I ran down the hall, past where Michiru and him were standing.

"Ruka wait!" I ignored her as I ran out of the building. I don't care anymore. I can't be with a cheater. Someone who said she loves me, only to go to be with someone else. I can't do that.


	7. Chapter 7

I felt that I couldn't put you all through any more waiting. I wanted to get the last chapter up. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

**Dismal  
****Chapter 7**

"_Daddy, where's mommy at? I want her to read me a bedtime story." I crawled up onto the sofa next to my dad. I was three, maybe 4 then. When my original parents still cared some. He looked at me from his television show and frowned. _

"_Your mommy's a little whore. She goes around to sleep with other people because she doesn't love me. Or you for that matter. You're the reason she's doing this Haruka. I hope you know that." he looked back at the television, ignoring me. Something he started doing more and more._

She's no better then my mother. I'll be home soon. Please just leave me alone. I want to be home, and alone.

_I remember hearing strange noises in my parents' room. I was old enough to know what sex was. I must have been 7 or 8 then. I heard my mother screaming, along with the associated noises. But I knew also that it was a Saturday morning, daddy worked Saturday mornings. "Mom?" I opened up the door and saw her in bed, with a different man. "Where's daddy?"_

_She jumped up, away from him, she held the blanket around her body as she looked at me. She made me promise not to tell daddy that there was another man in the house when he wasn't home. I had no choice but to promise her that._

What if Michiru was sleeping with him. With what he said to me earlier. "She's mine, back off." She has to be his. Why else would he say that. Right? They've always been together. I've seen the way they've flirted. I always knew she was straight. Nobody could ever love me. I was right. For once, I actually knew something.

"_Michiru, go out with me." I was close enough to hear Jared ask her that. He was still fairly new in our school. Maybe a week or two since he came from America. He's done nothing but hit on her. And it always seemed that she flirted back.  
_

_She let out a soft giggle and pushed him away gently, in an almost playful way. "I'll think about it." She never gave him a direct no. She never gave him an answer, at least while I was around anyway. She only smiled and giggled at him. A giggle she always did around me too. _

I'd always thought, that maybe she was playing with his head. Leading him on, I know she's done that with guys in the past. But not after the kiss today. She looked like she was enjoying it.

_I remember yesterday, right after we got back to my house. We were up in my room. I had just wrapped my arms around Michiru and told her I loved her. She pushed me away. She giggled, so I thought she was playing, she wasn't. She couldn't have been, she just didn't want to hurt me. She didn't tell me she loved me too. It has to be because she doesn't._

There it was, my house. I just wanted to get in, slam the door, and lock myself in the room. I'm thankful that Naomi and Alyson are at work. They won't be home for hours. Nobody to bother me. It's a great feeling, to be all alone. Knowing there's nobody to stop me when I bleed. Nobody to stop my mind from thinking. Nobody to do anything. Nobody to help me.

I ran up to my room, my mind still working. Wondering why this always happens to me. I always get hurt. No matter how hard that wall is around my heart and head. There's a hole somewhere, that people find and exploit. They love to tear me apart. Not physically, but mentally, where it hurts the most. I can't take this anymore. I can't live in a place where I'm always hurt, or hurting others. I don't want to do this. Michiru…Naomi…Alyson… The closest people in my life, I'm tired of hurting them.

I sat at my desk, my hands were shaking as I grabbed a few pieces of paper. I figured. If I leave, I should at least tell them why. Right? That's only fair. Wow…here I go again. Putting everybody else first, explaining myself for things that don't need explaining. If I just end it, there won't be anymore trauma. Nothing else to worry about. Nothing at all. My hand moved across the paper quickly, scribbling a letter to everybody. The words never came to me before, but they were now. My body knows that it's time to go. That it's time to rest in peace. I need peace. Peace of mind, peace from everything. I can't deal with any of this anymore.

I turned the page, my hand still writing out those words that I felt. That I just needed to tell everybody. I need to let them know what's going on in my mind. What I could never explain to them before. I should leave this some place they'll find it, shouldn't I? Maybe on the coffee table downstairs. Yea, that will work. They're bound to see it there. My heart raced as I went downstairs. I could barely get my fingers to work as I placed the folded papers on the coffee table, right on top of Alyson's book. The book that she read every single night after she got out of her shower.

There was a car engine outside. It couldn't be either Naomi or Alyson. I glanced out the window. Michiru. No, she's the last person I want to see. I slide the latch over the front door, so she couldn't get in. She can't get in. I don't want to talk to her. She can't stop me this time. Nobody can. I went to the back door and did the same thing. It was then that she appeared in front of the glass door, she stared right at me as I put the deadbolt across the door. I just gave her a blank look before pulling the curtain closed.

"Ruka…Ruka! Don't do anything stupid. Let me in! It wasn't my fault!" I tried to ignore her as I went upstairs. She just wouldn't stop pounding against the glass. Her screams were muffled. I don't want to see her. I don't have to listen to anything she has to say. I knew what I was doing. Naomi showed me how to use it when she first got it. She got it for protection when there were a lot of robberies on the block last summer. It seemed like it took forever to get upstairs, and to get into my parents' room. I knew where she kept it. It was scary how calm I was. My heart was racing, my head wasn't pounding. My hands had stopped shaking. It felt right. It felt completely right. I had to do it. It was my time.

There it was. Right were Naomi had always left it. Her hand gun. She always kept it loaded, just in case our house was ever broken into. I picked it up. It felt like it weighed a ton and it was cold against my skin. I pulled the magazine from the bottom of it, it was loaded. The snap of the magazine catching again as I put it back in rang through my ears. I silently took the gun, closed the dresser drawer and went back into my bedroom. I stopped long enough to look out my window, Michiru was standing on the front lawn. She was on her cell phone. She'd probably called Alyson, or the police department, or something. But it won't help. They won't get here in time. It's all over. I pushed the window open just enough to talk to her.

"You know Michi…People always say things they don't mean." I pulled my window shut before she could say anything, I moved away from her view, I didn't want her to see it. I couldn't put her through that visual. I knew if I hesitated, I wouldn't do it. I can't hesitate. No. It's over. I'm tired of hurting and being hurt.

Three...Two...One...

I heard the bang just a split second before everything went dark...

--The end--


	8. The Letter

Okay, I know it was so mean of me to end it so suddenly. I thought I'd give you all the explanation you've been asking for. I thought I'd tease you first, saying the story was finished, and end it where I did. Remember Haruka writing the letter before she pulled the trigger...Well...Here's the letter :)

And to the person who called me crazy...Thank you, thank you very much. :) I think I am crazy. But it's a good crazy though. And I'm not really that depressed in real life, I just let out ALL of my emotions in my stories

* * *

**Dismal**

**The Letter**

I suppose it's weird. Being at my own funeral. I stood right there. Where everybody could see me…If I was alive. It's weird being dead. To be able to watch people, and know they can't see you or hear you. I roamed around some, with this new form of freedom. I've already done some traveling. Been to Tokyo. Never want to go there again. Not only is it polluted, and over populated…but the spirits there are very rude. I still consider Kyoto to be my home. I think it always will be. I'll stay here, to watch over Michiru, until the day she joins me on this side.

It's too late to take away my mistake. There's no reason to be depressed on this side. Though I do feel alone. I spend most of my time with Michiru. I talk to her all the time. But she never talks back, except maybe once in a while. When she tells me she misses me. I realized what I've done was a mistake. She's not with him. He forced himself onto her. I should have let her explain.

I sat on the ground, next to my own headstone, my eyes watching Naomi, Alyson and Michiru, they all sat up front. Along with some other family members and some friends that sat behind them. There were also a lot of people there from my school. I think I even saw Jared then, hiding in the back.

Alyson was reading something. It looked as though it was my letter. I'm sure they've read it by now though. She dabbed at some tears on her eyes before she handed it to Michiru. She looked up at my parents for a moment before slowly unfolding the pages. I remember every word I wrote in there. I got up and moved closer to her, to read it over her shoulder.

_My Dear Family,_

_I should start out by telling you all how much I love each and every one of you. I felt like it was my time to go. I know you're probably in tears. Or too shocked to speak a word. But don't be. It was my time. I'm peaceful now. No more stress, or anything. I had too much on my shoulders. There was too much pressure for everything. Everything had to be right. I felt as though I had to please everybody. There was never any time to please myself. I wasn't happy. I didn't know how to make myself happy._

_So I started relying on others. I felt like I could trust others with my problems. I got close to telling Michiru so many times. But I could never find the words. I can find them now. I know it's tell late to tell anybody anything. You'll just have to find out this way. I hope this answers questions you may have had._

_Naomi, Alyson…You two have been wonderful. Don't think you've done anything wrong, because you haven't. Trust me. You've done nothing but love me like parents should. You've given me the love I didn't have for most of my life. You never once raised your voices to me, or lifted a finger to harm me. You helped me. Always did. You helped me discover myself as a lesbian, then helped me realize it was okay to be gay. Alyson, you took me out, in your brand new BMW, teaching me how to drive. I'll never forget how often you screamed at me, afraid I'd wreck your new car. Or the look you had on your face when I backed into the mailbox. I'm sorry about that, I told you I'd pay you back, but I never did. Naomi, you were always there to help me with my math homework. I hate that subject. And you being the accountant, it came easy to you. I never did repay you either. I didn't know how to thank you, either of you. I'm sorry._

_Michiru, I consider you to be a part of my family too. I want you to read this, all of it. Take my words to heart and realize what you've done to me. If it wasn't for you and Jared in the hall. This wouldn't have happened. Why? Why did you tell me you loved me and then do this to me? You knew what kind of state I was still in. People always say and do things they don't mean. Well, when I told you I loved you. I meant it. Those words are so meaningful to me. I know I don't say them unless I mean them. I will always love you. I'll be waiting for you on the other side. I promise I'll be with you until then. Maybe in your dreams, or your thoughts. Just don't forget about me._

_I'm sorry about putting all of you through this. I can't stay in this place and let myself be hurt anymore. I can't stay in this place and hurt others anymore. Because when I hurt others, I hurt myself. I was always aching, emotionally. I love you all._

_Forever in your heart,_

_-Haruka Tenou (1988-2006)_

I saw tears silently slide down Michiru's cheeks, she tilted her head back, to try and hide them. I smiled down at her. It must have been like she saw me, her eyes went wide for a moment. "Ruka!" She stood and turned around quickly, as if looking for me. I'm sorry you cannot see me. But I see you, I can always see you. I won't let anything happen to you Michi. I promise. I love you.

* * *

OK I know the years don't match up, but I made Ruka 18, so that the years would match up :P Hope you enjoyed it, I know I did. 


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